The Vault

I changed my password to “incorrect.”

Now whenever someone types the wrong one, it says the Wi-Fi password is incorrect.

Autocorrect keeps turning “dad jokes” into “sad jokes.”

Close enough.

I taught my kids parallel parking and told them to trust the process.

They said that’s what I always say when I don’t know.

Captcha asked me to prove I’m not a robot.

I failed the traffic lights. My kids said, “We knew.”

The ice cream truck played its song.

I ran outside with the kids. Then I remembered I’m the guy who says we have ice cream at home.

I think one of the cashiers at my local grocery store likes me.

She’s always checking me out.

Why do dads take an extra pair of socks when they play golf?

In case they get a hole in one.

How can I become a vacuum cleaner?

By cleaning one.

What do you call people who focus on their phones when hanging out with you?

Cell-fish.

What do you call a latte with a cold?

A cough-ee.

Why can’t you keep a secret in the bank?

Too many tellers.

What is the disorder called where instead of sleeping, one eats at night?

InsomNOMNOMNOMia.

They asked me for a ballpark.

I said, “Then go to T-Mobile Park.”

I don’t trust stairs.

They’re always up to something.

I got fired from the calendar factory.

All I did was take a day off.

I’m reading a book on anti-gravity.

It’s impossible to put down.

I used to be a banker.

I lost interest.

Want to hear a construction joke?

I’m still working on it.

I used to hate facial hair.

Then it grew on me.

I used to be addicted to soap.

I’m clean now.

I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high.

She looked surprised.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went.

Then it dawned on me.